It’s the waiting that makes you crazy

The IVF itself is crazy-making. It’s expensive and painful and totally takes over your life. But for me, the hardest thing for the last month has been the NOTHING–just waiting for my next period to come, my next cycle to start, and biding my time until it’s all ready to go.

And the tests. My last ultrasound, supposed to be routine, showed a fibroid that my doctor is “questioning,” (the nurse’s words…). So now I have to go for another test to check that out. Despite being fairly confident it is the same fibroid that was there last time, and the one that didn’t cause any issues, I’m on tenterhooks worrying that this means another setback–another road block in this horror show.

I know it’s not a big deal, really. But the test hurts, and it’s terribly undignified, and I’d really like to get on with the whole process and just try and have a baby. For real this time. I’ve added IV meds to the mix of things I’m doing, including some cocktails to improve my ATP levels and jazz up my mitochondria to improve my egg health. And I am TRYING to sleep better, though that is still a hot mess every night.

And I know sleep is super important. Which just adds to the pressure of the whole thing and creates yet another way for me to become a crazy person–one now wracked with guilt because I’m messing up my eggs, again, and I’m only getting older with each passing day and… it goes on.

So yeah, it’s the waiting that is making me crazy. The pills, the potions, the appointments, even the needles–they are all tangible and measurable items. But the waiting and wondering if the things I’m doing now are good enough for the eggs I’m supposed to be producing with all those needles in a couple of months…that’s the crazy bit!

More waiting-and-seeing to follow.

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